Knut
Knut (short for the German word Knutenadorschnitzenmachinatassen, meaning "precocious killing machine") is a polar bear cub living in that most deviant of brothels called the Berlin Zoo. Stephen Colbert does not fear many earthly things, but he does live in terror at the notion of falling in love with the adorable visage of this beast. Thankfully he has managed to avert his eyes before such a horrific event could occur. He has outraged Stephen by forcing him to agree with Frank Albrecht, one of those wackjob animal rights activists and spiritual descendant of Adolf Hitler, albeit in their shared aversion to his very existence. Threat Down appearances Knut is such a dangerous threat that he is the subject of the first Mini Threat Down at number .5. On May 8, 2007, Knut was declared Threat Number One, because of his utter cuteness. Death threats On April 19, 2008, Knut was the subject of a series of death threats. Clearly these were not the works of the Colbert Nation because #they'd know that bears can't read threat letters, and #they would have had the giant brass balls to go through with it. Actual Death It appears Knut has actually died. Looks like Stephen won! However, it appears, the human Thomas Doerflein "died" a few years earlier from a "heart attack" after being banned from seeing his "son" Knut. First the human who raised the godless killing machine is prevented from seeing the wretched monster. He then "dies" and soon the button-eyed soul-stealer "dies" as well. This is just too convenient. Anyone see the bodies? Or does this sound like a Ken-Lay-type of "death" (read: disappearance). Patriotic Americans, be on the look out for an alternate-lifestyle couple moving to your area. Knut's questionable activities After posing together at a Vanity Fair shoot, Knut began a Man-Bear love affair with movie star Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only that, but Knut is also a harbinger of the apopcalypse for his attempted musical exploits. This Justin Timberlake of Godless Killing Machines has gotten the prancing boy band moves down, but he has yet to sing. Also, it is rumored that he is collaborating with disgruntled airline passenger Yousef Islam and internet survey terrorist Rain on an album so evil that to listen to it would cause your ears to bleed. It is highly likely that Knut is a component weapon in the resurrected Nazi war machine. Knut, Politics, and War It is widely thought by many that Knut is part of an insidious plan to bring back communism in Europe. The godless killing machine's birth mother was none other than an East German circus performer. As such, Knut is well versed in charming his viewers while simultaneously brainwashing them to believe and accept his particular brand of godless communism. His likeness has been used to propagate liberal myths such as global warming. This makes him more dangerous than some other widely photographed hairless bears. Germany currently has plans to find Knut a mate. This proves that Germans are secretly breeding an army of godless killing machines to start, and subsequently win, World War 3. After all, they know that the third time is the charm. Other liberal media ventures Knut is currently working on a cookbook, Kooking With Knut with famed Kanamit chef Gnilres Namdor. Nuremberg Zoo Nearly Avoids Disaster The Nuremberg Zoo almost escaped the clutches of the Bear Coalition, before succumbing to their demands and snatching a bear cub from the deadly jaws of its mother.http://www.guardian.co.uk/animalrights/story/0,,2237484,00.html This bear will now be raised by humans just as Knut was/is. Please visit this page to name the infant godless killing machine. Publicity Madness As might have been predicted by anyone vaguely familiar with the fate of all child celebrities, Knut the polar bear has grown into a "publicity-addicted psycho." Apparently, this godless killing machine requires constant attention from an adoring public, just to keep him from going into a homicidal rage! What's next for Knut? Will he follow the sad traversal from media darling to second-rate has-been footsteps of most formerly cute juvenile stars? How will Knut cope with the downturn in his popularity? Will he be caught out in a seemy internets bear sex video? Will he shave his fur in a fit of media-induced insanity? Will he rob a convenience store, mount a laughable campaign for public office, or join the cast of a reality TV show? Will he develop a herring addiction? Or will he kill us all in a murderous, attention-seeking rampage??? When such a creature is more celebrity than bear, none of us are safe. Pastry People Of Berlin Come To Their Senses It seems the people of Berlin have finally come to their senses and will be evicting the freeloading and no longer cute Godless Killing Machine: "De zoo must evict herr bear," Frank Albrechthttp://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/dec/03/knut-polar-bear-berlin-zoo Bear-sympathizers are demanding that the zoo continue to keep Knut on welfare instead of following the dictates of the free market. The people who have tried to heed the words of the great bear hunter, Dr. Stephen Colbert are considering resurrecting the wall. Murder! Knut is dead! That's right, that sociopath bear is dead! External Tubes *Shocking Scandal: Knut has a mistress! *Knut releases sex tape!!